Beautiful

Three earthworms came slithering towards me out of the rain the other night.  It was a bit creepy, they can be quick when they want to.  Earthworms by all accounts represent examining the past!  Very appropriate: time to look over all we have been experiencing and examine and digest what is beneficial and that which we need to cast off.  Three earthworms asking me to look into my past and three crows telling me to ‘wake up’ on the balcony of the hotel in Miami.   Three earthworms, and a house full of ‘daddy longlegs’, which rather befittingly represent COURAGE.

It is interesting for me to look at this process of divulging my journey to the cyber world.  Sharing the inner mechanisms of my world, making myself incredibly vulnerable, by revealing my past and my experiences of it.  People in choosing to read my blog, get to choose how they respond.  My hope that underpins putting my  ’inner work’ out there, the struggles and observations that I experience, is that it will help people in some way, some may be able to identify with parts of it.  And when I say ‘help’, in other ways I wish to challenge too.  Challenge people to be curious about their own personal responses, their own personal experiences, where are they not awake?  My guess is if you have a strong emotional response to what I write, then there is work there for you to do to.  Whatever that response might be.

If you want to heal the world, you need to heal yourself.  If you want to change the world, you need to change yourself.  If you want to ‘wake up’ the world, you need to ‘wake up’ to yourself. If you don’t care about the world we live in, what do you care about?   The more conscious we become, the more conscious our world becomes.

My experiences in my teenage years left me in a place of deep loneliness, with thoughts of suicide.  I longed for someone to see me, I longed for someone to rescue me, I longed for someone to love me, I longed to be special.  And that longing has sculpted the path of my life.  However that loneliness still creeps up on me today, and even at times this weekend I have felt deeply alone. There is no denying it, as a teenager I was alone.  I experienced these things on my own, I had no one to turn to for help, no one there guiding me, no one really with an eye on what was going on with me.  It is truly saddening to think about that.  And yet what  I really  love about this whole ‘digging’ experience, is that it has uncovered for me perhaps the final layer of mystery. I realize how things I experience today are so deeply set in the experiences of my past, the loneliness that I have felt this weekend, is the loneliness of my teenager.  This is a gift to me, because now I get to rewrite the past and have a different experience of my present. I can go back into those times of deep loneliness and I can show my teenager, that she is not alone at all.  AND I need never feel that loneliness again:   THE FINAL PIECE OF THE PUZZLE BECAME CLEAR WHILE MOWING THE LAWN YESTERDAY.   I need never experience that disconnection, from myself, from others or the world again,   BECAUSE  I am there, I understand her, I love myself, I see myself, I see and love my vulnerability, I see and love my heart. I see and love my soul.  I see and love my body.  I don’t need someone else to do it for me, because I am beautiful and powerful enough to do it for myself…  So if you noticed that the rain became glorious sun yesterday, you will know why!!!!

Now that really is a cause for CELEBRATION….