perspectives

It is a beautiful fresh Spring morning here.  The Magnolia outside my window is bathing in the sunlight, a fresh yet gentle breeze makes it look as if it is doing a little dance while the rose bush behind is moving more rigorously.  The tree behind it looks a bit like a long haired dog poking its nose out of the car as it enjoys the breeze clearing the hair from its eyes.  The leaves on the tree are all looking windswept.  Birds are busy gathering bits and pieces for their nests.  And Apple and Cherry blossom float around in the air.

It does look beautiful, and there is always more to notice.  If you keep looking there is always more.  It didn’t look beautiful to me this morning.  I couldn’t see it.  I was locked away in a familiar place, stuck deep in the labyrinth of my emotions.  They are deep and I am grateful for that, I have the capacity to feel deep grief and emotions.  I give myself permission to feel those consuming emotions of despair, hollowness, emptiness and pain.  A year or so ago, I thought that this was me.  Destined to go through life consumed with a tragic pain and destiny that was worthy of a Greek Tragedy.  Me and the rest of the world!

So what is the difference… well sometimes it takes a while for me to realize that I am stuck or disconnected.  Feeling so very connected to my feelings and the story I attach to those emotions.  And yet I can not connect to the world around me, I am consumed and my feelings or emotional body is owning me.  So there is a difference between owning and being owned by emotions and I think this was where I got to this morning as I travelled around in my mind and body and the world outside me, looking for other perspectives.

Billy my dog invited me to bathe in the warm sunshine with him.  It was enticing, and yet from drowning in a sea of emotions, I felt the sudden shift that had me, say pull yourself together, you are far too distracted, and you’ve got too many things to do to sit around and bathe in warm sunlight with your dog.  A different perspective and a different feeling, certainly a ‘better’, more comfortable, feeling than wallowing in the deep stuff. However it had a frenetic, tense flavour to it.  It wasn’t possible to stop and pause there, only to start spinning off into the place of ‘doing’…. urgently.  Another uncomfortable feeling.

Last week as I spent a great deal of time with good friends, I noticed how there is always a flip side to ‘good’ feelings…  the joy of having intimate friendships, means that you are open and vulnerable to other stuff coming in.  And that doesn’t feel ‘so’ good.  Its almost like I have a longing for feeling constantly good, and if I don’t, if something comes up that is uncomfortable I want to run away and hide, retreat within my crab like shell.  Of course, authentic intimacy, authentic relationship doesn’t always ‘feel’ good.  Not in any relationship… and yet ‘love’ and ‘friendship’ is ‘supposed’ to feel good.

So there is waking up that is happening here.  And there is a slowing down.  Connecting to self, others and the world.  And it is good.